Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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