Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
