Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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