Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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