Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
