His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
