I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
