I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
