One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
