8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
