you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
