on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
