you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
