I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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