I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
