Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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