I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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