Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You are the jesus of drinking
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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