Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
