i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
