so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
