We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
