i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
