so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
