my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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