I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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