I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
