I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
