4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
