the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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