So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
