fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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