I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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