when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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