i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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