I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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