I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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