Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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