No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
