walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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