Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So I just went to clothing optional bar
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
