ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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