im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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