I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i dont even know how to be here
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Randomize
