I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Semen is not good for contacts.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
