i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
