:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
