Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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