He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
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