Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
