I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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