My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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