So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I can't turn off my feet"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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