Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
